Healing the Heart and Mind: Steps I’m Taking to Recenter After Emotional Abuse

This blog has been born from one of the most painful moments of my life. Five years ago, I followed my heart and a dream—a fantasy of what I thought was real love, the kind that would last forever. I uprooted my life and moved to a new country, bending myself to fit into someone else’s world. In the process, I lost sight of my own path, my purpose, and my identity.

Looking back, I can clearly see where the emotional abuse started. It wasn’t dramatic or sudden—it crept in gradually, even before we were married. One of the earliest cracks appeared when my partner broke my trust by sharing private information about me with someone they’d previously admitted having feelings for. I felt violated and deeply hurt. When I tried to express how betrayed I felt, hoping for accountability or at least understanding, I was dismissed. Instead of my feelings being acknowledged, the blame shifted to me. I became “the problem” simply for reacting to the broken trust. My partner even told me that unless I got professional help, the relationship wouldn’t work.

So, I got help. I went to a coach my partner recommended, desperate to “fix” whatever was wrong with me. The already hard-wired default pattern from my religious upbringing that I was always needing to repent about something, that there is always something to feel guilty and ashamed for was kicked into motion. That moment set the tone for what would become a recurring dynamic: anytime I expressed an emotion or need, I was labeled as difficult and in need of fixing. I internalized that narrative and started working relentlessly on myself- in effect, a sinner in need of repenting, convinced that if I could just heal enough, if I could be “better,” the relationship would thrive.

In chasing that version of “better,” I lost touch with myself. My sense of purpose became wrapped up in healing—not for my own well-being but to keep the relationship afloat. Deep down, my intuition and body knew something was wrong, but I ignored it. I kept suppressing my emotions until they would eventually erupt. Whenever I tried to voice how dismissed or unheard I felt, my feelings were reduced to “emotional outbursts.” I was met with gaslighting: “That’s not what I meant. That’s not how it happened.” And over time, I began gaslighting myself: “I am being too sensitive. It really is all my fault.”

That cycle left me stuck in a loop of guilt and shame. I worked so hard to prove my worth, believing that if I could just fix myself, I’d finally feel loved, accepted, and safe. I tried to be the perfect partner—the endlessly cheerful, effortlessly slim, emotionally steady woman who never had a bad day. But now I see how unrealistic and dehumanizing that expectation was—not just for me, but for anyone.

I’m human. I feel things deeply—especially when faced with dishonesty, manipulation, and blame. I needed emotional intimacy to feel safe enough for physical intimacy, but my need for that connection was denied. Worse, I was blamed for its absence.

This blog is my way of reclaiming my voice and my truth. It’s a reflection of the journey I’ve taken to find myself again after being told, over and over, that I was the problem. I’ve learned that love doesn’t ask you to lose yourself—it invites you to be whole and is built on first giving that attention, support, compassion, and acceptance to yourself. And no matter what anyone says, your emotions and needs are valid. They deserve to be heard and honored.

Here’s what I’ve discovered in my recovery and how I’m reclaiming my sense of self, love, and trust:

1. Recognizing the Patterns of Emotional Abuse

I had to look back and recognize the patterns through the journal entries and private vlogs kept. My feelings were often dismissed, leaving me questioning myself and believing someone else’s version of events instead of my own. Gaslighting and manipulation left me doubting my reality: “That’s not what happened,” I’d hear, even when I was sure it was. Lies of omission eroded my trust, making me feel unsafe and blindsided- yet still I was made to be responsible for them lying.

2. Breaking Free from Self-Doubt and Guilt

I carried guilt that wasn’t mine. Every issue was deflected back onto me, making me feel like I was the problem. I’ve had to learn to let go of that guilt and remind myself: “This is not my responsibility to carry.” Journaling and therapy has helped me separate their blame from my truth. “I am not the problem” has become a mantra since it was given to me repeatedly over several sessions by my therapist.

3. Understanding Conditional Love and Approval

Affection felt like it came with strings attached. They would spend time with me when I played the role of keeping my emotions suppressed and living within what worked for them and when I didn’t and couldn’t play the mask, I was labeled as “too much” or “too sensitive.” and they would withdraw affection and priority on spending time with me. Now, I’m learning to give myself the unconditional love I craved- that I don’t have to prove myself in order to be loved.

4. Rebuilding Trust in My Perception

Gaslighting made me doubt my memory and instincts. It’s still hard to trust myself sometimes. I second-guess decisions, wondering if I’m being “too triggered” or “too affected by past trauma.” I’m learning to honor my intuition again by practicing trust in small choices and leaning on people who validate me and give outer perspective on options for choices.

5. Recognizing Emotional Neglect

I worked endlessly on trying to better myself while my needs went unmet. It left me drained and questioning my worth- that if I was a certain type of way, then he would care, have empathy-that he would hear and understand me. I felt like a failure for needing support on hard days, as if my emotions were too much for someone else to handle.

6. Moving Past Isolation and Stonewalling

When I asked for connection and resolution, I was met with “I need time to process”. Days would go by without conversations being resolved, and when we finally talked, my feelings were dismissed again. I’m done with that cycle. I want to surround myself with people who value communication and care.

7. Releasing the Need to “Fix” Myself

I spent years trying to heal myself so I could be “healthy” enough for the relationship to work. I tried every perspective, every angle of healing, until I burned out completely. My body started shaking just being in the same room with my partner. Even then, I thought I was the problem.

8. Embracing My Independence

I was made to feel like I couldn’t handle life on my own. I was expected to fit into what worked for them and their lifestyle and when I expressed what would help me grow as an individual that would require them stepping out of their comfort zone, they wouldn’t budge. Now, I’m reclaiming my independence and celebrating every small step forward.

9. Rebuilding My Identity

I was painted as someone I wasn’t—someone who withheld love, who was difficult. But the truth is, I asked over and over for emotional connection and safety. I’m rediscovering who I truly am by reconnecting with what lights me up—music, acting, creativity, journaling, and new passions.

10. Recentering on My Values

I’m done living by someone else’s expectations, comfort level, and lack of emotional capacity at the expense of my mental and emotional health. I’m refocusing on what aligns with my highest self and reclaiming my voice. I am focusing on financial independence as I have learned the absolute hardest of ways how you have to give yourself the cushion to be able to make choices to leave toxic, imbalanced, abusive situations.

This journey has been one of learning to honor myself and my needs. I’ve realized that being whole doesn’t mean being perfect—it means embracing who I truly am and the ironic dichotomy of being human. My hope is that by sharing my story, others who may feel similarly can find encouragement to honor their own truths as well.